Heavy In Your Arms
by LovelyLovelyLove
Summary: There's something wrong. Gray can feel it in his bones. When Lucy comes to him, battered and bruised, will he be able to help the woman he's loved since that very first day? Or will she push everyone away? Curl into herself, and start down the path to self destruction?
1. Bones

**Hey. So this is going to be a bit darker than my usual stuff.**

 **This will be the only warning I give, because I don't want to give away any action that may happen in chapters.**

 **So I will put it in all caps here, and in the story description.**

 **********TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING: SEXUAL/MENTAL/PHYSICAL ABUSE. DRUG USE/ABUSE. DEPRESSION AND SELF DEPRICATING THOUGHTS/POSSIBLE SELF HARM**********

 **A lot of this will be loosely based off of personal experience, and a lot will be from Gray's point of view. I think that typing out all of the emotions would be too emotionally draining for me, so I hope you understand.**

 **Also, if you are a sufferer/survivor of rape, abuse, depression, and self-harm I just want you to know that you are not alone. You are not worthless, dirty, used, broken, or tainted.**

 **There is nothing "wrong with you."**

 **You are beautiful.**

 **Just thought you should know.**

Gray sighed to himself as his eyes scanned the guild hall. It was as rowdy as ever. Nothing had really changed.

Well ok, that was a lie. Plenty of things had changed. Most of it for the better. Elfman and Evergreen were expecting a little bundle of joy. It was actually quite amusing. Their happy little "oops" had outed their "secret" relationship in front of everyone. A certain Lightning Dragon Slayer had all but shouted it from across the guild the second Evergreen walked through the doors looking slightly disheveled and a little green. Unfortunately, that was also how Elfman found out he was going to be a father. The man had gone into complete shock for a total of three hours, but once he'd snapped out of it, he'd gathered the Fairy mage in his arms and cried tears of joy.

As one could imagine, Mira was beyond thrilled. Most of the guild avoided her for the rest of the night.

That was six months ago, and the catalyst for couples springing up everywhere. Lisanna and Natsu. Gajeel and Levy. Laxus and Cana. Bickslow and (shockingly) Juvia. Erza and Jellal. Kinana and Cobra. Freed and Mira.

And then there was Lucy, the person he was looking for within the guild with no luck. As usual.

It was almost a year since that day. She'd come bursting through the guild doors after a solo mission, a little battered and bruised, but smiling radiantly. And behind her was a man, hand holding hers, that he'd never seen before. He was a bit shorter than himself, with tan skin, dark brown hair, and bright blue eyes.

Fucking Quin Ponderosa.

They'd apparently met on her way home when the train was ambushed by a group of bandits. He was a Nullification mage, and he could cancel out anyone's magic as long as he could touch their skin. Together, they had taken out the entire group with relative ease and by the end of it she'd agreed to dinner with him.

And unfortunately, to take him to the guild so he could join.

Everyone loved him. Quin was witty, charming, smart, and all around the perfect guy for everyone's beloved Celestial mage.

But Gray couldn't help but despise him. Most of it might've been because of the feelings he'd harbored for the petite blonde since that first day. Since he'd jokingly asked her for her underwear, fully expecting her to get timid and flustered. Instead, he got a full on Lucy-Kick to the face, and he'd been smitten ever since.

The other part of him hated the guy, because he could see what the others failed to. The way she'd come in to the guild less and less, and only when he was with her. The way she'd stopped going on jobs with the team, instead only going with him. The way she'd rarely spend time with any of her friends. The way she started wearing less revealing clothing. The fact that she'd reluctantly confided to him how often they'd fight at home, since the asshole had moved in with her right away instead of finding his own place. How over the last year, the light in her eyes had dimmed. Her smiles were forced. She was thinner. Pale.

And he hated it. Mavis, he hated it so much. Lucy Heartfilia was a ray of fucking sunshine, and now her light was being smothered out.

So now he was waiting for her. Because Gray Fullbuster was done watching it all happen from the sidelines. The second he saw her, he was going to speak with her privately and ask what the hell was going on. He would save her from the bullshit. He owed her that much.

}{}{}{

He shouldn't have been surprised when she never came.

Gray had waited until Mira kicked him out a bit after midnight, then reluctantly walked home. His house was small, only two bedrooms, a living room, a small kitchen/dining room, and one bathroom. But it was perfect for just him. He was rarely ever home. Always at the guild, or on jobs. Even when he was, he'd always find himself sitting out on the front porch swing, just watching the stars. Which was where he was at that moment. The sky was clear, and the stars were sparkling. Mavis, he loved the stars. He'd resigned himself to always just being the best friend/brother-like figure, but looking up at the heavens, he could pretend. Pretend that he had a chance. That she saw him as more.

He sighed, leaning back and pushing off the ground a bit so he'd swing for a while.

His head tilted back and his eyes slid shut. If Gray could wish for anything, right now he'd wish for Quin gone, and Lucy as happy as always. That's all he really wanted. He hadn't seen her in almost a week. No one had. When Natsu went to go check on her, Quin had answered saying she had caught the flu, but he was taking good care of her. Apparently that was all it took to placate the guild's concern, but not his.

He just knew. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his bones.

"Gray?" A raspy, very familiar, voice had him sitting up so fast it made his head spin.

But he ignored it, eyes settling on the shadowed form of the woman he adored.

"Luce? Where the hell have you been?" He asked, leaping off the swing and taking long strides to her, only to stop abruptly when she took quick steps back.

"Lucy?" Gray whispered, brows furrowing in concern. "What's wrong?"

He couldn't see her face, as it was too dark and the hood of her sweatshirt shadowed it further, but he could make out the way fine tremors were shaking her small frame.

"G-Gray, I…" She sniffled, before launching herself at him.

His eyes widened at the sound of her sobs, and his arms coiled around her tightly, protectively. Seeing as she wasn't calming down any time soon, he gently scooped her up and carried her into his living room.

Awhile later, after she'd cried herself to sleep in his arms, Gray picked her up again and carried her to his room, setting her gently on his bed.

He slipped off her knee-high boots, setting them by the closet, and unzipped her thick black hooded sweatshirt knowing she'd wake up too hot in the middle of the night.

Once he's managed to somehow slip her arms out, he pulled the hood out from under her head…but froze in his tracks.

There, marring her porcelain face, were ugly purple bruises. One eye looked to be swollen shut, the bruise on her cheekbone was so dark, he feared it may be broken, and both lips were split painfully.

Numbly, he looked at her now bear arms, feeling rage consume him at the sight of large fingerprint markings along her wrists and biceps.

The temperature in the room dropped dramatically, frosting the windows, and ice coated his hands.

Someone was going to fucking pay.


	2. Hush

**So, second chapter. I'm very happy for all of the favs/follows/reviews. I love you all!**

 **If you haven't heard it yet, you should check out the song 'Heavy In Your Arms' by Florence and the Machine. Great song. Great artist. I really feel connected to it with this story.**

Gray woke up to the sound of clinking pots and pans and running water. He sat up with a groan, stretching his arms over his head and cracking his back. The floor wasn't a very comfortable place to sleep, but he didn't want to be too far away from Lucy in case she woke up upset, and figured she wouldn't appreciate him sleeping in the bed with her.

At this point in time, he was assuming she and the jackass were still together, and he didn't want to cross any boundaries.

The Ice mage slowly rose to his feet and followed the sound to the kitchen, where he found Lucy furiously scrubbing a frying pan. A deep scowl marred her split lips, and there was a plate piled high with bacon and eggs on the table.

He grimaced at the sight of all of the bruises under the brighter lighting. It infuriated him that he could make out each individual finger mark on her arms.

"Lucy?" He called, stepping closer to her.

The blonde jumped and whirled around, hand clutching her chest and sponge flying out of her grasp to land with a squelch at his feet.

"Oh, Mavis you scared the shit out of me, Gray!" she panted, chocolate eyes wide.

Gray couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped him. Even when something was obviously wrong with her, and even though he was so beyond worried for her, she was still adorable.

He held his hands up in mock surrender, unconsciously sending the shirt he was somehow miraculously still wearing flying behind him. "Sorry."

Her hand fell from her chest and she bent over to retrieve the sponge, before turning back to the sink.

He didn't miss the way she tensed and winced.

"It's fine. Food's ready. I'll get out of your hair once I finish the dishes."

Sitting at the table with a frown, Gray stared at her back in worry.

"No, you don't have to leave. Stay awhile."

She stopped what she was doing, wiped her hands on her jean clad thighs, and threw her blonde tresses up into a sloppy bun.

"I have things I need to get done today." She countered. Her voice lacked its usual cheeriness. It had for quite some time, but it was even more subdued.

He stared at her for a while as he ate, eyes narrowing at what he thought were markings on her neck.

When she was done, and all of the dishes were drying on the rack, she pulled her hair back down and made to leave.

"Lucy. Sit down." Gray didn't like that he sounded as though he was commanding her, but he needed to know what had happened.

Lucy paused in the doorway, her hands clenching and unclenching, before she slowly and reluctantly walked back to the table and sat across from him. She wouldn't look him in the eyes.

"Luce," He started, his voice much more gentle, but still conveying his seriousness. "Tell me what happened."

She shrugged, fiddling with her fingers on top of the table. "There's not much to tell, Gray. I don't know what you want me to say."

He grimaced at the way she jumped when he slammed his fist on the table, but couldn't help the frustration that welled up inside of him.

"How dumb do you think I am? Do you really think that I haven't noticed how something obviously happened to you?"

The blonde jerked her head to look up at him with wide guilty eyes. "Of course not! I just…It's not that big of a deal. I overreacted."

Gray sighed. "I'm sorry I yelled…just start from the beginning. I'm just worried about you, Luce."

Her shoulders slumped and her gaze drifted to the window behind him as she spoke. "Well…you know how Quin and I have been having so many issues. Last week, I caught him with another woman and we broke up. I was so angry. I told him to pack his things and leave, and that he had better be gone by the time I got back. He got mad and we fought, but I eventually just left. I went back to the guild, grabbed a mission and left. Th-that's where all these…bruises are from. I didn't realize how much fighting I'd have to do on the job and I was nearly outnumbered. I took a lot of hits and was pinned down by one of the dark mages, but Loke came out on his own when he sensed my distress and took care of him. I came back last night to find him and all of his things gone. And…my place was trashed. Everything hit me all at once and I came here…"

Gray listened intently as she told her story, his rage towards the Nullification mage growing at all of the new information. Yet…he couldn't shake the feeling that she was lying to him, or leaving some very important information out.

Still, he wouldn't push her. Whatever it was, it seemed to have shaken her up badly.

"I'm sorry, Lucy. I know it hurts now, but that guy didn't deserve you. You were way too good for him, and he was making you miserable."

"I know." She whispered, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. She stood from the table and gave him a forced smile. "Thanks for everything, Gray. But I really do need to get things done today. I need some new furniture."

Just how badly had Quin trashed her place?

Gray stood and followed her to his room where she was gathering her things and putting them on. "Did you want some company? I can help carry things and fix up your place. I really don't mind."

She shook her head, a small genuine smile playing at her lips. "No, that's ok. I kind of want to be alone for a bit."

He followed the blonde to the door with a frown, opening it for her and standing aside as she walked out.

"If you say so…" He said, reluctant to leave her side.

Either his statement wasn't heard, or she ignored it, simply giving him a small wave and walking off to complete her errands.

Well, if he couldn't take care of her by being there with her, it actually worked out in his favor.

The Ice mage went back to his room and found a pair of pants and a new shirt, seeing as he had lost his during their conversation and was only in his boxers.

He threw on a pair of combat boots, locked his front door, and headed off in the opposite direction, towards the guild.

Gay had a Nullification mage to find.

}{}{}{

That evening, after purchasing a new couch, chairs, kitchen table, bed frame, along with new plates and bowls, Lucy found herself sitting with one of her best friends at a bar on the south side of town.

It was a bar they frequented whenever they wanted to drink in relative peace. Something Fairy Tail would never have, but they wouldn't change it for the world.

"Another round, Marcus!" Cana called to the bartender.

Lucy nodded her agreement, unable to muster up the enthusiasm the brunette next to her always seemed to ooze. Especially when it came to alcohol.

She had a nice buzz going, and she found that the more she drank, the less it hurt.

The less she would feel the sharp stabbing in her heart. The less she would hear the little voice in the back of her head that kept whispering. All week it had whispered. About how she was dirty, tainted. A broken toy that had been used, and was now meant to be discarded. That she was worthless. That she deserved it.

" _Stop fighting it, baby girl. You're mine. You'll always be mine."_

The blonde shook the thoughts from her head, instead grasping one of the full shot glasses in front of her with trembling fingers and knocking it back. Ignoring how it burned down her throat, she grabbed the next one and repeated the action. With all six shots.

"Woo! Go Lucy!" Cana cheered, also having finished her own line of shots. "Oh Marcus!" She sang, and Lucy giggled.

She felt deliciously warm. Her thoughts so jumbled, she decided to ignore them all together. Forgetting her pain.

She knew it would be back come morning, along with a nasty hangover. But maybe she'd just have another drink. Cana always said the best cure for a hangover was a tall mug of ale. Yeah, maybe that's what she would do.

Maybe Cana's way of living had its benefits.

With that thought in mind, Lucy grabbed another shot and downed it.

Not realizing that what she was doing would set her down the path of self-destruction…


	3. Satisfaction

Gray woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. He was beyond frustrated.

No matter where he looked, he couldn't find Quin anywhere. He asked around the guild and was told he had just missed the guy.

But he had no idea where to start looking for him. He'd moved out of Lucy's place, so he would have either found a new apartment, or was holing it up in a hotel.

The Ice Make mage resolved to find him today, even if he had to get Natsu involved. Which he really didn't want to do. That would mean he'd have to explain why he was beating the guy to a pulp. And then the flamehead would get all butt-hurt over Lucy not coming to him, since he was her best friend.

And he was, or at least he still was deep down. Since he'd started dating the youngest Strauss, he'd grown a bit distant. Distracted. Gray knew that Lucy didn't hold it against him. It was well-known that he had a one-track mind, and right now he was head over heels. He only really saw Lisanna. She understood. She'd said it herself.

Gray sighed, hauled his tired body out of bed, and threw on some fresh clothing. He'd walk around town for a bit first, and then try looking at the guild.

The bastard had to be somewhere.

}{}{}{

The sun blinded her the second she attempted to peel back her dry lids and she gasped. The light was so bright, it physically pained her, making her eyes throb sharply.

Opting to wait a bit and recover before trying that again, Lucy tried to gain some sense of her surroundings and the state of her body over the jackhammering going on inside of her skull.

Her tongue was sticking to the roof of her mouth. Her throat was so dry, it took an immense amount of effort just to swallow. From the breeze washing over her, she either had her windows wide open, or she hadn't been able to make it back home after all the drinks she had consumed the night prior. The brunette had left the bar about an hour before she did, saying she'd promised her boyfriend she wouldn't stay out too late. Lucy didn't really mind that she'd left her there to get back on her own. She was a grown woman, and could do it on her own. At least she thought she could.

She could tell she was barefoot and that she was laying down on something as hard as stone. Something stiff was wedged under her head like a makeshift pillow.

The blonde took a deep breath as her stomach and bladder protested simultaneously, and opened her eyes just a crack. After the initial shock of light she opened them a little wider, and was able to determine that she was definitely outside.

On a bench.

At a park.

Just two blocks from her apartment.

With a heavy sigh, she picked herself up, slid the boots she had been using as a pillow back on her feet, and began the trek to her place. At least no one had taken her purse while she had been passed out. Or tried to get into her jeans.

Her pace was little more than a shuffle, and she blatantly ignored the stares of passerby. She knew she looked like hell. Her hair was a knotted mess, bruises out on display since she couldn't find her hoodie anywhere.

That's right. She accidentally left it at Gray's.

Gray.

He was so good to her. Always so ready to accept her with open arms. Tuck her in when she was too weary to do it on her own.

He was too good. Too good for someone like her.

Dirty and used.

Lucy changed direction just a little, turning left instead of right. She gathered her hair into her hands, tying it up into a messy bun with the hair tie she always kept on her wrist.

Once the little building came into view she went right in, immediately grateful for the shop's dimmer lighting giving her poor hungover eyes a break from the sun's unforgiving rays.

The Celestial mage grabbed a basket from the stack by the door and walked down the aisles, grabbing bottles of just about everything cheap enough to fit her budget. Thankfully, the job she had just completed rewarded her with an incredibly hefty sum. Not only had it paid for all of her new furnishings, she had plenty to spare. Once her basket was too full to add anymore, she walked to the register to pay for everything.

The man behind the counter appeared to be in his mid-forties. Salt and pepper hair, soft face aged with deep laugh lines and crow's feet. Kind green eyes.

"Having a party, eh?" He asked with an almost fatherly exuberance, the kind that made a person want to trust instantly, as he rang up and bagged each item.

Lucy forced a small smile and nodded. "You can say that."

Mavis, she sounded awful. The raspy quality of her voice made her want to cringe, but she forced the reaction down.

The kind man's green eyes showed his concern as he really took in her appearance, his smile dimming down into worried a frown.

"You alright, young lady?" He asked quietly, eyeing her bruised and battered body. "Safe at home, and everything?"

Taken aback at the genuine worry creasing his brows, her heart warmed slightly. This was the kind of man the world needed more of.

The urge to assure him everything was fine almost overwhelmed her. She had the feeling he was the kind of person who would worry about her for days to come if she didn't.

Lucy smiled genuinely for the first time in weeks. It was small, and a bit painful because of her split lips. Her cheek throbbed, but she pushed through it.

"Oh yes, perfectly safe." She held up her hand, the pink mark displayed proudly. "Mage work can get a bit painful, but it's a risk we're well aware of going in. I'll be good as new soon."

The man searched her face for a moment, before his shoulders relaxed and the smile returned to his face. "That's a relief. Would you like some help taking these bags where they need to go? They're pretty heavy."

The blonde waved him off, placing the required Jewel on the counter and taking the bags in each hand. "You're too kind. I've got it, but thank you so much for the offer!"

"Alright then, enjoy your party and have a wonderful day, miss!" He called out as she turned and walked to the door.

She gave him a quick smile over her shoulder as she left. "You too."

As she walked back to her apartment the warm feeling in her chest faded, then flickered out.

The smile fell off her face. Her shoulders throbbed with the weight of the bags, about three in each hand, and she was regretting turning the kind man down.

But the pain in her shoulders gave her something else to focus on besides the whisperings inside her head.

Her apartment finally came into view, and minutes later she forced her aching body up the stairs to unlock her door. Once inside, she locked the deadbolt and headed to the kitchen.

Lucy tried to ignore how empty the place seemed without all of his things cluttering it up. She tried to ignore the fist sized holes in the walls in various locations. How empty the fridge was before she filled it up with her recent purchases.

When all of the bottles were put away, except for the one she'd set on the counter, she shut the fridge and threw the empty bags away.

It was then that she realized how disgusting she felt. Her skin felt grimy and gritty. The bottoms of her feet where black, most likely from attempting to walk home barefoot. The stench of frying oil from the bar's kitchens was almost overwhelming and it made her gag.

She grabbed the white bottle, uncapping it and taking a swig as she shuffled to the bathroom.

Avoiding her reflection in the cracked mirror, she plugged the drain, turned on the taps, and stripped out of her dirty clothes.

The blonde took small sips from the bottle she'd randomly selected- it tasted a bit like coconut and rum- as it filled up.

Cana wanted to take her out again tonight and she was honestly tempted to. She liked being around Cana. The Card mage had only asked if she was ok when she saw the bruises. She didn't pry for details, ask unwanted questions, or make a big deal out of them. Lucy knew she'd listen if she decided to tell the truth. Cana would be supportive and pissed as all hell. Gray would completely freak out, if he wasn't already.

With a sigh, she turned off the running faucet and slipped into the hot water, bottle in hand.

She submerged her head completely to wet her snarled locks, before sitting up and resting her head on the linoleum behind her.

Taking a drink, she swallowed before closing her eyes and sighing again. Warmth was spreading from her stomach to her chest, making her head feel light.

She thought of the good old days. The days where she was confident in who she was as a mage, and a woman. Before she'd been ensnared by the biggest mistake of her life.

Her gut told her. She should have listened to it that day. When she met him, agreed to go out with him, something in the depths of her soul warned her against it, but she hadn't listened.

The slightly sweetened room temperature liquid burned down her throat as she guzzled from the bottle.

Her eyes stung, tears escaping the confinement of her tightly clenched lids and slid down her cheek, adding to the bath water when they dripped off of her chin. Sobs tore from her before she could even begin to stop them.

And she cried. Cried for the girl that had died that day. Cried for the girl she was now. Cried until the tears refused to come and the booze finally began to numb the pain.

Mavis, she wished she had listened.

}{}{}{

The raven-haired man walked as casually as he could, eyes never leaving the head of dark brown hair several people in front of him.

Gray had spotted the mage as he was walking through town, keeping an eye out for any place he might have gone. Quin was leaving a small house on the outskirts of town, kissing a disheveled looking redhead in nothing but a baggy shirt by the door, before walking off in the direction of the guild.

He had to physically restrain himself from pummeling him right then and there as the woman had called out "See you tonight, baby."

Was this the woman Lucy caught him with? Or with this a new one? Either way, Gray was livid. The man just in front of him had broken Lucy's heart. He had taken the kindest, most cheerful, most selfless woman Gray had ever known and dulled her shine. He'd been hurting her for a while now. Gray had never seen Lucy go a day without smiling, not a single day, until Quin showed up.

And the bastard was right fucking there.

Gray had to be smart about this. If word got to the guild that he had struck a member with actual intent to harm, he'd be in a lot of shit. Cheating asshole or not, he was still a member of Fairy Tail.

But he couldn't just walk away. He couldn't just leave the piece of shit unscathed, not when Lucy had been so upset. Not knowing that he had trashed her place.

So, even though he'd feel like a coward after, he decided to strike from behind and take off before Quin could see who attacked him.

Mind made up, he broke into a sprint just as the Nullification mage was rounding a corner. Gray turned the corner, ice coating his fist as he coiled his arm back.

The blow held a lot more power than he thought it would, and he watched in satisfaction as Quin stumbled over his own feet and ate the pavement.

Not staying long enough to see if he stayed down, Gray turned and ran back around the corner, before taking off full force. He ran through alleys, changing direction at random, adrenaline and satisfaction flowing through his veins. He didn't stop until he was outside of her front door, hands on his knees and panting heavily.

Once he had regained his breath, he knocked three times and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

He knocked again, a small frown on his face.

Gray waited a few moments before testing the knob, twisting it open when he found it unlocked.

The place felt wrong. He hadn't been there in months, but it had always felt homey and warm. Now everything was different. The furniture was new. There were holes in the walls. All of the blinds were pulled shut, blocking any light from entering the room.

He ventured in further, stopping in his tracks when he heard the sound of water splashing from the bathroom.

Without hesitation, he turned tail and left the apartment, knowing fully well that if caught uninvited in her home while she was bathing, he'd be kicked clear across Magnolia.

Feeling a little disappointed, he trekked to the guild to grab a bite to eat before going back to her place.

Maybe he'd even get a bit of entertainment if Quin showed up sporting his busted face.

Eager now, Gray quickened his pace, not noticing the shirt he'd left behind on the street, or the slightly unfocused brown eyes watching him from behind pink curtains.

 **Hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Thanks for all the favs/follows/and reviews! They mean so much to me.**


	4. I'm back!

**I don't even know what to say other than I'm so unbelievably sorry for how long I've been absent.**

 **I promise I'm still here! And there is no way in hell I am giving up on my stories.**

 **So much has happened since I moved back to my home town. And I know most of you don't really need to know what's been going on, but I'm pretty open with my struggles as of late, and maybe it will make some of you feel less alone in your own struggles.**

 **If some of you may remember, I have mentioned in the past about depression kicking my ass. I always knew I had depression, but I never realized how bad it really was.**

 **Soon after we moved back I went on antidepressants I thought they were working but I wasn't sure because I had never been on them before. Now, during this time and 2 out of the 3 years I lived in Virginia (when I first started writing fanfiction) I was struggling terribly with self harm.**

 **That should have been my first sign that my antidepressants were in fact not working. Actually, I got worse. The moment I started getting suicidal thoughts I stopped taking them altogether. I made a promise with myself that if I kept self harming that I would go and seek mental help. I couldn't be the mother my boys needed me to be if I was constantly hurting myself (they never witnessed me doing it or the aftermath. I always kept my marks covered because I could never let my babies see that)**

 **But I kept doing it. I would be able to resist the urge for weeks, but when I broke…it was bad.**

 **So I checked myself in to a mental health clinic. I was there for a week. And I am SO glad that I did. You guys..it helped me so much. I was shown coping mechanisms and I was understood without anyone looking at me in pity, or that I was a total nut job. I was finally officially diagnosed, as well as being put on medications specific to my exact diagnosis.**

 **Severe depression disorder, severe anxiety, and PTSD.**

 **This was back in January, and I have only self harmed once since then.**

 **Then it was just adjusting to it all. Fine tuning my dosages and going to therapy once a week.**

 **I am finally getting back to myself now, I started making jewelry and being creative again. I am finally feeling happiness and I never realized that I had rarely felt that way all my life.**

 **So I've been binge reading and trying to catch up on everything I have missed.**

 **And today I had the first true urge to write in almost a year! So I decided to write an absurdly long note to you all, explaining way more than I needed to.**

 **If you read to this point, thank you! And I will be slowly getting back into writing things! I'll hopefully be updating my stories soon, but I may or may not try writing a simple story before jumping right back into my other more complicated stories. Kinda like testing the waters, ya know?**

 **Anyway I'll stop my rambling now.**

 **Oh wait one last thing! I have seen every review that has been posted in my absence and I want to thank every one of you who read my stories, even when they hadn't been updated in such a long time.**

 **Ok, now I'm really done.**

 **Love, Lovely.**


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